Personal growth.

I came across this photo of myself at one of my birthday parties and it brought back so many memories and  stirred up a lot of different emotions. 

I'm actually really proud of my personal growth and want to share it with you all.

I started drinking when I was about 15-16 years old. It progressed until I got pregnant at 18. After I gave birth I started drinking again,on weekends when Jordyn was gone. I would party HARD, every weekend. If I wasn't going to house parties, I was having them at my apartment. I didn't see it then but now, I can see that I was on a rapidly approaching downward spiral. I was emotionally jacked up and I hadn't quite figured out how to handle being a mother while all of my 'friends' were able to still go out and party. When I sit back and think about all of the times I was just drunk, hanging out, having people at my house all night for no reason, I get sick to my to my stomach. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of it, it is all a part of my journey. 

The drinking and partying went on almost every weekend for about 6 months after I had given birth. Even at that point though, it wasn't motherhood that shook me into reality. 

One morning, after a long night of drinking, I heard a noise in my kitchen so I woke up ( still half drunk from the night before.) I found one of my close friends on top of the fridge trying to get alcohol out of the empty bottles. She broke down and started crying when she couldn't get any. It was such a depressing situation and it really shook me awake.

 This friends father, is an alcoholic. She in turn, is an alcoholic.

It was THAT moment that woke me up.

 I was afraid. 

I felt ashamed. 

I felt as if this was going to be my daughter if I didn't get my self together. 

 From then on, alcohol tasted disgusting to me. I didn't pick up another drink. Even now, I may have a glass of wine or a beer, but alcohol holds so many bad memories for me that it's not something I tend to reach for. I threw myself into motherhood, I cut off a lot of people, including that particular friend who was, and still is, like a sister to me. She happens to choose a different life path than I do and as much as I love her and wish her the best, I love her from a distance. 

I get a lot of messages from teen mothers that haven't quite gotten it yet and I want you all to know it takes time. You have to grow at your own pace. You are not a bad mother. You are just young. Everything happens with time. 

 There was a lot of steps in my journey but here are a few of the most important;

My growth consisted of A LOT of self reflection and acceptance. Through my journey one of the most important thing i've learned is forgiveness. I had to forgive myself for all of the mistakes I made. I had to forgive others for any mistakes they have made that affected me.

 I read a lot of books. Reading stories about people that have grown through similar things helps. Self-help books are also really inspiring. The Happiness Project was an amazing book that really helped me. 

I picked up a hobby. I got really into baking, and crafting, and DIYing. I focused a lot on being creative and making things beautiful. It really helped calm me and clear my mind. 

Shortly after that I started journaling. Writing out my thoughts and dreams helped me focus on my goals and helped me to keep a clear head. 

I got really into meditation. I love to meditate, it gives me a sense of inner peace which is vital to personal growth. 

I had to learn and consciously practice gratitude. I was not grateful for anything and it was hindering me as a human. Now, I keep a gratitude journal and every night I write down what I am thankful for that day. 

Most importantly, I had to learn to love myself. I know now that I drank a lot because I didn't love myself. It took a LONG while to fully accept and to love myself.

 I practiced self compassion and self care. 

I still practice these things daily. 

 I constantly remind myself that I am human and nobody is perfect. 

Now, instead of indulging in alcohol, I celebrate life, I celebrate my spirit, I celebrate my unique gifts. 

No only have I grown happier and healthier but I am the mother my daughter deserves. 

Personal growth is a life long journey, and it does take time. So if you're struggling now, just remember that others have been there. Remind yourself that this isn't a competition with others, its a personal journey to become a better version of who you are now.

Peace and love.

Xo, Jeanice.