Raising Jordyn; The story of us.

Jordyn was born on October 25th 2007 at 4:33pm. 

She weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was 18 inches long. 

I remember my labor like it was yesterday, I mean it was all of 10  minutes so of course I remember it!

Ha.

True story, I went to the doctor with my mother and my sister in law for a check up. After making me extremely uncomfortable (you know how it is when you've got another person putting fingers and cold medal utensils inside you) my doctor determined I was already dialating so he scheduled me to check into the hospital at 4am the next morning so we left and went across the street to Target ( naturally...lol.) 

While at Target I started feeling a little bit of pressure, not pain but pressure. 

I told my mom to which she said " you probably just have to poop"....classy, I know. 

 After about 5 mins of me trying to convince Nancy that " I think he woke her up" and we should go back across the street, my sister in law finally agreed to take me back to the hospital. 

Good thing too because what happened next happened at the speed of light and was kind of blur. 

As soon as we parked and got into the hospital, I was strapped down to the delivery table and told that if I had taken any longer to park the car, i'd be having my baby in the parking lot!

At this point i'm really confused because I have yet to experience any of the very real labor pains that i've assured myself I was going to have..but no...no intense pain like on tv, just that same nagging feeling of pressure. 

The next few minutes are still very crazy to me.

The nurse is checking my vitals, telling me i'm too far along for an epidural, and trying to make me as comfortable as possible. She goes to check how far i've dilated when she says "Do you want to see your babies head?" Before I could answer I feel a VERY intense pain and hear a splatter which I would later learn is my water breaking and I hear the nurse say "OH SHIT" and bloop....out comes Jordyn.

 No pushing, she just slid right on out. 

They called her the 10 minute miracle....it was ridiculously fast. Just like that, the little person that changed my life forever was born and I was in love. The nurse kept telling me to rest but all I wanted to do was cuddle my baby, I mean, hello...she rushed to get out into the world, she was obviously eager to meet me lets not deprive her of that so I can do what? Sleep?...No thanks.

I always say Jordyn saved my life....and I mean it. But, let me back up and fill you all in on exactly WHY I say that. 

I left home when I was 18. I had an abusive, drug addicted stepdad and my mom just wasn't in a place where she was strong enough to realize she could do without him. I had given my mother an ultimatum, him or me.....and like I said, she wasn't strong enough to realize she could do without him. I don't like to say she chose him but....she didn't leave him. 

So I left.....and I didn't speak to my mom for almost a year, in fact....I didn't speak to my mom until I was telling her I was pregnant. 

Jordyn brought me back home, she made it possible for me and my mother to have a relationship again. 

She saved us. I'm forever grateful for it because Nancy is now my best friend. 

I had a tough pregnancy. It wasn't a happy time for me. I was a teenager,  I felt betrayed by my body, my mom moved around a lot so I didn't have a permanent, secure place to call home, I didn't have a steady job, I had nothing. 

I should say, I felt like I had nothing...Looking back, even though my situation wasn't ideal, I was far more blessed than most and I will never take that for granted. 

Before I had Jordyn, I was a mess. I drank A LOT and was extremely selfish. 

I guess that came from my childhood. Like I said, my step dad was on drugs. He abused my mom, verbally abused my brother and I, and stole from us.

 I remember one time I was working my very first job and I managed to save like 700 bucks!!...and he stole it. 

Another time, my mom had given him the money for rent and he stole it and pretended he paid it by writing up a fake receipt! We ended up getting evicted which I guess was nothing new, we got evicted a lot....

 I grew up in a shitty neighborhood too. I just had this conversation with my mom the other day, I didn't realize it then because I was in the thick of it but most of the people around me were drug addicts...sadly, most of the people I grew up around are still drug addicts. They're all products of their environment and I guess by all standards and statistics, I should have been too, i'm hankful i'm not.

Being brought up in the environment I was, by someone like my stepdad, made me selfish. I took on this, I have to look out for me regardless of how it makes others feel, mentality. 

I was hurt by a lot of people and hurt a lot of people back then, i'm not proud of it....but it's my truth. I've forgiven those people and myself and have moved on.

My start to motherhood was rocky. I'd love to be able to say after I popped that baby out I automatically turned into super mom and everything was perfect, but i'd be lying. 

I was still lost and confused. Still without a steady job. Still without a secure home. 

Still trying to cling to my youth, the partying, and the people I thought were my friends. 

For the first few months, Jordyn would leave every weekend and every weekend I would have parties at my house constantly and get black out drunk. 

I was unhappy, unsure of myself and my path so I self destructing. It wasn't until Jordyn was about 6 months old that I had my "WTF AM I DOING?" moment.

It happened around 3am the night of one of my many parties and I remember it clear as day because it was the night that changed my whole entire mindset...my best friend and I were up, drunk talking about life when she climbed on top of the fridge and was trying to get alcohol out of the many empty bottles we had stored up there.....She was getting more and more frustrated and angry that she couldn't find any and when she finally was able to get a tiny shot out of about 9 mixed alcohol bottles, she cried.....she broke down about how ashamed she was of herself. I broke down too. I hated seeing her like that but I hated seeing who I had become more. Here I was a new mother drinking every weekend in what? an attempt to forget I was a mother? 

I was disgusted with myself. 

I didn't struggle with stopping to drink after that. It wasn't hard for me, I stopped because I wanted to be better. I wanted to be the mother I knew my baby girl deserved. She was my driving force behind getting myself together. I wanted nothing more than to be someone she could be proud of. 

It's crazy how people take different paths in life....after that night, I stopped drinking and began the long, hard journey of self discovery and healing and my best friend, well...while I still love her, she is still on the same destructive path so I have learned to love her from a distance. In fact, I love a lot of people from a distance. I've realized that in order to be the person I want to be, I can't surround myself with people that have no desire to be more than who they are. 

This all happened before I even turned 20 and i'm proud to say that these days I barely pick up a drink.

Jordyns toddler years were some of my favorites.

 And while I had worked hard to be a better woman, I was still really young, 20-21-22 and while we were still living in a shitty one bedroom apt on the east side of Las Vegas, we were reasonably happy. We were a young couple struggling to make ends meet, we were working and doing school, and playing house but I felt like I found my stride and was really started to own this whole mom thing. 

We didn't have a lot, in fact, we had close to nothing. I was on state assistance and we were still barely getting by paycheck to paycheck. There were times where I would break down crying because it seemed like we were just in this black hole and could never get out. It was hard but everyday I got to go home to my 2 bestfriends and all the worry in the world melted away. 

I wished for a long time that we could just stay in our bubble....the three of us, but that wouldn't be life would it?..

Just as it felt like we were making our way in the world, building for our future, life was like...."lets see if you can handle this!"

I suffered a miscarriage in 2010 and it broke me, I couldn't handle it. Or at least I didn't think I could. 

 Zeke and I mourned in different ways. I needed him and he needed to be alone. We couldn't survive it and we ended up breaking up for almost a year. 

I moved back with my mom and tried to make the best of it. 

It was a hard year for me I felt like had lost everything that mattered to me. My family, my little shitty apt, and my unborn baby..

I started going out and partying again. I was living home with my mom and basically had a built in baby sitter so.....why not?...I felt alone and lost and was spiraling all over again. It took another WTF moment for me to step back and see that I was ruining my life again, and again, I stopped drinking. I stopped partying. I focused on bettering myself and finding myself again....

What i'm most grateful for is the fact that no matter what I was going through, Jordyn was always surrounded by love....she never lacked in that department. She was the happiest girl surrounded by people who loved her with no question. 

After about 8-9 months of being separated, Zeke and I got back together and we even rented our first house! It was a cute little house far away from the east side....life was looking up for us!

I was so happy. 

I AM so happy because this is the chapter in my life where everything changed for the better. 

We were both working great jobs, we had moved out of the hood, and were building a savings! Things were looking up for us. This was even the first time in our lives that we were able to afford to take Jordyn on a trip! Disneyland, here we come!

We rented our house for about 1-2 years...and then, when we were financially able to do so, we decided to buy our forever home. 

Buying a home was always important to me because I grew up not having one. I never wanted that for my baby. I want her to always have a space to call home. A place for her to make memories in and to come back to when she needs. If you were to ask me or even if you just took a look at my life, you'd never imagine that at 25, I would have a beautiful family and be a home owner. 

The home buying process is long and heart wrenching, we looked for our home for about a year. I remember when I first saw it, the home of my dreams...we put an offer on it and Zeke told me we didn't get it. I was heartbroken. Of course that wasn't true. We had gotten it and at my 25th birthday dinner a few weeks later, Zeke gave me a little box that held the key.

I CRIED.  

Here I was, a teen mom from the east side, changing my life, building my family, and buying a home.   Every obstacle I faced, every mountain I had to move, every demon I had to battle was worth it at that very moment. 

I just turned 29 and life is still good to me. 

I work HARD to make sure it is. I work hard so that i'm able to give my daughter the very thing I never had growing up, security. 

Coming from where I came from, experiencing the things I experienced, I would never have guessed i'd turn out to be the woman I am today. I could've very easily fell victim to my upbringing and I didn't. I owe it all to Jordyn. 

Motherhood is one of those things that really either makes you or breaks you. It either pushes you to be your best self or completely destroys you. As much as i'd hate to say it, there are some women who cannot handle being selfless, motherhood destroys these women. 

My journey has been a long, hard one...Life didn't hand a great hand, but I made the best of it and i'm thankful for it all. Through my struggles, I never would have found my strengths. Through my pain, I wouldn't be as appreciative of this happiness. 

There is this stigma that goes around that moms don't know what they're doing and we're all just winging it...and I mean, while I understand the concept behind it, I don't fully agree. 

Almost every move I make as a mom is intentional and calculated. I know what I DON'T want to be and I make the necessary moves to assure that I am not. 

Motherhood is ever changing.I'm still learning and i'm still growing. 

And i'm still just doing my best to raise a child who doesn't have to recover from her childhood. 

xo,

Jeanice :)