Setting positive boundaries

“The most important thing parents can give their children is love. The second most important thing is discipline.”    -T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.

The other day I was at work and a co-worker was complaining about her 8 year old daughter being 

completely disrespectful towards her and not following rules. 

Jordyn is about to be 8 ( in October) so I was a little shaken up about it. Is that what I have to look forward to? Is my sweet, good girl about to turn into the spawn of satan? 

My co-worker further went on to explain that her ex husband has 2 teenage daughters that she believes are influencing her daughter to act out this way. 

Again, Jordyn has 2 teenage cousins that she sees a lot and it worried me. I thought about it all night, stressed about for the next few days, then came to my senses.

My co-worker isn't the type of parent that works on things like being respectful, or helping her child grow confidence.  It dawned on me that this isn't the backlash of hanging around 2 teenage girls, it is the result of her parenting. I mean, how many parents are really still teaching their childen respect....A quick browse on the internet or stroll in the park can show you that there is an extreme lack of teaching children rules, respect, and boundaries these days.
I don't even know if I would say "these days" I grew up in a home that had no boundaries, the rules were very wish washy, my mother and stepfather didn't get along so the punishments were never consistent with each other. I guess a big part of me wants to have these boundaries for Jordyn because I was never given any. I was never made responsible for my actions. I know how unhappy and confusing my childhood was and I don't ever want that for Jordyn. 

I raise Jordyn to be completely free spirited but i'm also a big believer in setting positive boundaries and modeling positive behaviors and attitudes. I grew up in a home filled with pain, that translated into my young adult life. I was attracted to pain, anger, and yelling for a long time. I know first hand how modeled behavior can affect the life we grow up having, whether negative or positive. I am very adamant about not infecting Jordyn with the same pain and worry that I grew up with so I made sure to work on healing myself so that we can model the behavior we want her to learn in our home. Jordyn is a good girl who loves herself, her friends, and her family. She speaks politely to everyone and is conscious of how others feel. She is this way because this is what is modeled in our home. I've also always held her accountable for Jordyn accountable for her actions. She knows and understands that there will always be consequences for everything she chooses to do. 

Jordyn knows what is expected of her because I set clear boundaries and sensible rules. I don't constantly have to remind her. Knowing her rules and boundaries gives her the freedom of choice. She is free to do whatever she chooses within these boundaries without negative consequence and she is free to choose to push these boundaries and understand that there will be discipline for breaking the rules. 

Because she is still so young, it took time, patience, and understanding before these rules and boundaries really sunk in. 

There aren't very many rules in our home but I understand and reinforce the need for the rules we do have because parenting without boundaries is often confusing and chaotic for both parent and child.  Children will naturally push boundaries and test the waters. They are trying to figure the world out so I have to remind myself not to get angry when the boundaries are pushed. 

I used a visual lesson to show Jordyn why boundaries are important. I placed a marble on a plate and asked her to tilt the plate in circles, growing faster with each spin. Naturally, the marble fell off of the plate because there are no boundaries.

I then placed the marble in a bowl and had her do the same thing. She was successful with the bowl because its boundaries stopped the marble from falling. 

Rules, boundaries, and disciplinary actions are different from home to home but there are a few  things I consider when setting boundaries in our home;

If you're in a two parent home, make sure both parents are on the same page. Nothing is more confusing then one parent telling a child something and the other changing the rule. You will confuse your child.

Establish and stick to consequences and disciplinary actions.  Discipline varies from home to home. The most important thing is to make your consequences rational and realistic. Something that is going to help your child understand, grow, and reflect on the decision they made. 

Stay consistent. Don't enforce the rules one day and the next tell them its ok. This will only confuse the child. Also, make sure that family members are following the same rules and boundaries you've set for your child.

Be firm, but loving. Don't yell. Yelling will only scare your child and anything you say after that will go unnoticed. You want to be firm with your child while still letting them know that you still love them. Children tend to feel unlovable after making mistakes so it is important to remind them that the love is still there. 

The most important thing for me is to remind my daughter that i'm not setting these rules and boundaries to control her. They are there to protect her and to guide her. 

Xo, Jeanice :)